Dealing with a separation or divorce is tough, especially when kids are involved. Irresponsibility, like neglecting household duties, finances, or childcare, and accusations of infidelity are often the beginning of the end of a relationship. When couples aren’t ready for a full divorce, they still need a plan for co-parenting. Lagos is working to make its laws reflect what families actually go through, and the updated Family Court (Civil Procedure) Rules are a good example. I’ve seen how these rules work in practice, and I want to share some insights from four key angles:

• Your relationship (with your ex)

• You both (as parents)

• The court process

• Most importantly: Your child

Understanding Your Role

If you’re looking for some stability after a breakup, you have to understand where you stand legally. It is common, especially for the parent who has the child most of the time, to feel like a victim. But take a step back: What’s your relationship with your ex really like right now? And what do you hope to achieve by going to court?

Two Separate Relationships

Here’s something crucial: your relationship with your ex as a partner is totally different from your relationship with them as your child’s parent. They might be a terrible spouse, but a great mom or dad. It happens. And if you’ve been badmouthing your ex to your child, it could seriously hurt your case. The court’s main goal is to make sure your child is taken care of – by both parents. “Complete” care means having both parents involved. The court doesn’t care much about what your ex did in your marriage, unless it affects how they parent your child (like an ongoing criminal record). No matter how bad things were between you, it doesn’t automatically win you the case for your child’s care and support.

Don’t Just Complain – Show You Can Do It

A lot of parents make the mistake of just listing all the bad things their ex did. That’s not enough. You have to show the court that you are a good parent. Be open to your ex seeing your child. In some cases, even suggesting joint custody can help. Remember, custody isn’t about you – it’s about what’s best for your child. Both parents have equal rights. Just because you have a good argument doesn’t mean the court will take your child away from their other parent, unless there’s a really serious reason.

Family court isn’t a place to air all your dirty laundry. It’s for parents going through a rough patch to create a plan that protects their kids. Kids can’t handle all the fighting and drama. The court wants to protect their well-being – mentally, socially, physically, emotionally, and educationally.

The Child Comes First

The court only cares about one thing: your child. They’ll put your child’s needs ahead of any power struggle between parents. You have to separate your feelings about your ex from your role as a parent. Cooperation is key. Don’t assume you’ll get custody just because you started the court case. You have to prove you’re financially stable and a good role model. Show you can provide for your child, even if your ex isn’t helping. Don’t think your gender or current living situation guarantees you custody. The court can always change things if it’s in the child’s best interest. I’ve seen cases where sole custody is granted, but it’s rare – usually only if the other parent doesn’t even show up in court.

Every Case is Different

Judges make decisions based on the specifics of each case. I remember one case where the child’s testimony made a huge difference. The child called his dad his mom’s “ex-boyfriend” and his stepdad “dad.” The court gave joint custody, with the dad having the child during the school weeks. The court also noticed that the dad was open to social welfare worker visits, while the mom wasn’t. This probably played a role, especially because of Rule 100 which not only speaks to but to the importance of welfare reports.

How you act in court matters too, especially with the assessors. If one parent shows up every time and the other doesn’t, it makes an impression. Your appearance, how you handle things, all contribute to how the court sees you as a parent. The court is made up of the judge and the assessors, and they both have a say in the final decision.

Your Child’s Voice Matters

Your child is the most important person in all of this. Their testimony is crucial, especially when parents disagree. The assessors are trained to talk to kids about these things. Along with the social worker’s report, your child’s wishes are a major factor, especially when deciding where they’ll live. Rule 101 lists what the court has to consider:

• What your child wants and feels

• Your child’s background

• Your child’s needs (physical, emotional, educational)

• Whether changing where your child lives would be harmful

• How any changes might affect your child

• How well each parent can meet your child’s needs

• Any harm your child has experienced or might experience

• How willing each parent is to support your child’s relationship with the other parent

• How willing other family members are to support those relationships

In matters such as this where feelings and emotions may flare up freely, your lawyer’s opinion is highly essential because his or her objectivity will be indispensable to the success of the case.